As I look back on my life, I realize that as a relational child, I had early marriages based on rules. My relationships were based on following the rules. But, there were sooo many rules; Biblical rules, social rules, my mom’s rules, my wife’s rules….. Rules in relationship are left brain and WAY tiring and I couldn’t ever follow them all. But, I expected my wife to follow all those rules. There really wasn’t much joy in my marriage. I have taken some of the ways we interacted in those days and listed them here. Read the following sentences and notice how your body feels about each one.
I want to talk with you.
I have an issue I would like to discuss with you.
There is something I need to tell you.
You forgot to ….. again.
All of these statements leave me feeling a little up tight. Why do you want to talk with me? Do I even want to listen to you about an issue? You are probably just going to degrade me about one of your expectations that I failed in, or about something I forgot.
These feelings are normal when the relationship is based on rules and expectations. This a normal part of life between 18 to 60 year old relational children. You broke some rule or failed in an expectation and I am not appreciating it. There is no feelings of gladness or joy. I would really like to just get away. Actually, she left … No wonder…
Thankfully (to the Lord, and to my wife) I was introduced to Life Model and Thrive training. I actually learned right brain relational skills. and a how to have secure attachments as a relational adult and parent. Now, let’s see how the following sentences feel to me…
When you have a minute I have something exciting I would like to share with you!
I’m feeling very sad…. I have something sad to share with you….
My mom called this morning and we had a nice long talk…
I appreciate you so much and all the things you do for me and the family!
All of these statements leave me feeling relaxed and curious. I would actually like to hear and attune with you in your feelings of excitement and sadness. That’s because these are relational statements and they bring me feelings of connection and joy. I want to be with you in your feelings and I want to bring you more joy. These are adult and parent levels of relational maturity. I am sharing with you, not telling you something.