So, what are the primary Puzzle pieces of my relational life? If I am a relational child, I will be curious as to what these puzzle pieces are. If I am an infant, I could care less. If I am an adult I will be interested to see if there is anything here that I don’t already know. If I am a relational parent, I want to know what pieces may be missing in my family. If I am an elder, I want to exhibit the entire completed puzzle to the community. These puzzle pieces are all relational skills we all need to learn in order to relate well with others and with God. It is interesting to note that the more relationally mature I become, the more people I can get along with and the better my relationship with God will be.
The primary puzzle pieces of an infant are: Learning how to properly ask for things and how to properly receive things. These are puzzle pieces that I missed as an infant. I was taught to be seen and not heard and that my mom already knew what I needed. It took me decades before I learned these skills. As an infant it is crucial that I form secure attachment bonds to my primary care givers where I learn trust which is a key puzzle piece. I also interact non verbally and form joy bonds of ‘I am glad to be with you!’ I learn to see myself as valuable and loved.
The primary puzzle pieces of a child are: Learning the rules of life and how to properly keep care of myself. There are hundreds of rules from family, culture, community, God, parents and care givers. I learn how to recover from the 5 big relationship killers.. (Sadness, anger, fear, shame, disgust, hopeless despair, ,) At this point it is critical to note that virtually all relational skills are learned by the example of those around us and especially from our primary care givers and family. These people are primarily at an adult, parent, and elder level of maturity. Being a child is tough, and I must learn the life skill of doing hard things. If I don’t progress and mature into a parent level, I will struggle with all the rules or I will become a narcissist and attempt to govern others from a fear base. I will also most likely spend a lot of time in make believe fantasy land and social media. The rules are exterior to me at this point and I have not had the heart change of a parent where the rules come from within. It is also at this point in life where it is greatly beneficial for me add the key puzzle piece of being born again and coming alive in my spirit where I operate from a love base. Then I am not living under the weight of all the rules but I live above and beyond the rules.
The primary puzzle pieces of an adult are: The ability to keep care of myself and the ability to attune to and keep care of you. It is an exchange. I see you, hear you, feel what you feel, and I expect you to do the same for me. I will get overwhelmed if there isn’t what I perceive is a fair give and take in our relationship. In our society, this is where marriages should begin; where both partners are at least at an adult level of maturity. I have a sweet sister who spent her life taking care of spouses, children, parents, and others in her family who went thorough many traumatic times and events. When the last person she was taking care of died, she was very disillusioned and gave up, entering a rest home saying that life was not fair because she never had her turn of receiving the good life and care from the ones she loved.
As a mature parent the puzzle pieces are: To provide for and guide others in my family and care while at the same time being able to keep care of myself. As a mature parent, my focus has shifted from ME being the focus to those in my care being the focus. There are many puzzle pieces as there are many different individuals of all ages and maturity levels. I know that the more mature I am, the more mature all of those in my care will be. My primary puzzle piece is to do all of life in a mature way so that there is a simple path for those following me and they can advance more easily to join me in being a mature parent!