TESTING: RM (relational maturity): Who are you?? Mind-sight; Surveying the scene; Clues; Actions; Paradigm; Who am I??
This is where we are finding out the Relational Maturity Level of those around us and of ourselves. Once we know the RML of the person we are dealing with, we can connect (attune) and continue the relationship without constant frustration.
The Relational Maturity Levels: Preborn (conception to birth) … Infant (0-4) … Child (4-12) … Adult (12-18) … Parent (18 until youngest child is an adult) … Elder (when youngest child becomes an adult) Note: we are not dealing with the preborn here. The preborn have direct downloads from their mother.
I am only able and have the capacity to grasp and understand to the extent of my RML (relational maturity level)
Criticism reveals our maturity level. It is a child level trait. I will criticize because I don’t have the relational maturity to respond in an adult or parent manner.
Healthy shame messages speak to the issue and not about the person. This is a parent level trait.
Jesus operates from a base of Love. This is a parent level trait. Life Model Works teaches from a love base.
The world in general operates from a base of Fear. This is a child level trait.
Attaching the problem to the person is a child level trait.
The disruptors to relational maturity growth are : A lack of parents and elders; Traumas; False reality and drugs. (BEEPS)
DISCOVERY TESTS:
A simple Relational Test: RCs or Relational Circuits; Do I see you as: A person? A problem? A thing? Someone to be used? Someone to abuse? My RCs are ON only if I see you as a person. My RCs are OFF or very dim for everything else and I won’t be able to fully connect with you relationally.
Relational Maturity Tests: The first sign that I am maturing is that I am eager to listen to you and understand what you are saying in order to attune to you. What is listening? When I listen to the forest, how do I listen and what do I hear? When I listen to a bird, how do I listen and what do I hear? When I listen to creek, how do I listen and what do I hear and how do I respond? When I listen to God, how do I listen and what do I hear and how do I respond? When I listen to you, how do I listen, and what do I hear and how do I respond? I am not waiting to talk nor do I want to talk, I want to understand what you are feeling. “Take note, everyone should be quick to listen, and very slow to speak…” James1:19 … Note: A relational infant or child cannot stop themselves from talking.
As a relational child, My normal manner of dealing with conflict is: The issue at hand is the most important thing at the moment, I Feel increasingly agitated that you are not with me and don’t “get it”, I Talk and give my opinion, If you disagree, I gather information and prove to you that I am right, I Tune out any negative or incorrect things you may say, I yell or become silent and quit talking about it in hopes that the issue somehow goes away, To get some relief I turn to a beep and my attention to something I think we can agree on. Eventually there are very few things we can peacefully talk about. I see you as a problem and an enemy most of the time. I just want to maintain distance in order to have some peace.
OR As a relational Adult: I Remember that I have a relationship with you and that our relationship is more important than the problem. I Calm myself, I Listen to obtain mind sight and see and attune to what you are thinking and feeling, I express to you and empathize with how you must be feeling about the situation, I ask God and listen to what He sees and is doing in the situation which gives me God sight.
As you read the scenarios and statements below and get a chuckle or two (especially when you relate), see if you can identify the maturity level of each statement. If I don’t want to do this testing stuff at all, what maturity level does that suggest? (I) … This is all just stupid, I already know what to do and what you should be doing. What maturity level does this suggest? (C) … I would like to hear this, maybe there is something I can learn! (A) … There is something here that may be useful for me and the family! (P) … I’m going to learn all I can in order to help our church and community! (E)
So here we go with some statements that have RM (relational maturity) implications:
I just don’t understand people.
I’m continually looking for new people I am glad to be around.
I’m a thirty year old still living at home with mom.
I need to always be with you …
“No, I didn’t fix anything to eat. I didn’t know what you might want so I didn’t fix anything …”
“Why did you eat all the peanut butter balls I made? I told you they were for your grandfather.”
“But it’s not right” … You need to be living by the rules …
You are bad or evil.
“I don’t want to be around you … I can hardly stand you …”
Giving people the finger and yelling obscenities.
Rioting …
Leading the riot …
Yelling and screaming in frustration …
“All I need is the Bible”
Going to the “altar” will cure everything …
It’s got to be fair. You do your part and I will do mine …
We really can’t be ‘one flesh’ … we need a prenuptial and separate checking accounts …
Narcissism …
Life is all about me and what I want …
Whenever things get really tough, I leave … I really don’t know what else to do …
I Just want to be alone … People are a pain …
I have a strong attachment to animals or an animal
Retirement means leaving everything and everybody and going to a new place and seeing all new things
Retirement means I have it made financially …
“I dread the holidays”
“There is nothing that money can’t fix” …
“The best gift is cash” …
I get people what I think they need …
I can’t afford to give anybody anything …
“I enjoy providing for my family and those around me”
The government should be taking care of people …
“I don’t need help from anybody else, I can do it myself” …
Somebody do something …
I can tell you what you need to do …
I will show you life by how I live both in good times and bad times
Drivers in town are idiots …
At the 4way stop: I’m here and in a hurry, I’m going through; …. You came through from the left, what an idiot, the right always has the right of way; …. Ok, take turns, I’m polite, your turn, my turn; …. That person is really hesitant, It’s my turn but I will wait until he feels safe to go; …. Who is that honking behind me?…. You know, watching this makes me realize that I need to train my people on what to do at a 4way stop…
I’m going to the gym to work out. I hope I can find a parking space close to the door.
I’m sure glad I still have the handicap sticker from when you broke your leg, I can park anywhere! …
I’m pushing my way to the head of the line …
The best seats should be for me …
It really makes me irritated when I see people getting away with things …
I dread having the grand kids over …
I gave him a piece of my mind. He won’t do that again …
When I don’t know how to relate I either hit transmit and start talking, or I hit do and I get busy doing …
I want to hear what you have to say …
I can hardly wait until you stop talking so that I can talk …
I can’t stop talking …
I just keep quiet …
“I’m not responsible to keep care of myself. You are because you had me … because you abused me … because you moved here … because you married this person … “
“I know they are taking advantage of me but I am taking the blame and trying to make up for what I have done to them …”
I never hear from God …
I talk to God …
I interact with God …
Whew … This is heavy …. I’m going for a walk …