THINGS I NEED TO KNOW AND BE: Life is all about Relationship. We have relationship with all human beings and with God. If I do not see you as a relationship, I will see you as a thing or being that I can use or exploit or eliminate. In order to have successful relationships I need to know way more about me and more about you so that we can connect in meaningful ways! Remember that we each will view the other through the lens of the relational maturity (RM) level that we poses. T (tests are available for the following)
Personality: Introvert, Extrovert; Fun country, Control country, Perfect country, Peace country T
Love Languages: Words of affirmation, Giving and receiving of gifts, Acts of kindness, Physical touch, Quality time which is being together in meaningful relationship (attuning) T
Maturity : Preborn, Infant, Child, Adult, Parent, Elder ; (A healthy Community consists of all of these together) T
Traumas: A type Absent ; B type Bad things
Beeps: Crutches, Pseudo Joy, Substitutes; Behaviors, experiences, events, people, substances.
Bonds: Love Bonds; Fear Bonds
Reality: Truth; False reality (operational ground, based on a lie or lies),
Attune: Connection to and understanding of the emotional state of another person; (does not mean agreement),
*Adoption: Everyone needs to be adopted into the family of God.
Belonging: Everyone needs a healthy, secure place to belong
*Identity, Purpose: In His image; For good works; I am a part of His rain; Overall purpose; Daily purpose 1Cor.10:31-33
Attachment styles: Secure ; Distracted ; Dismissive ; Disorganized T
Joy: The fuel that our nervous system runs on. Glad to be with you! T
Intensity: Relationally we look for intensity.
Trust: Trust Is essential for the building of healthy bonds. I know that you and You God, have my best interest in mind even when I don’t see it.
Spiritual: Truly Alive , born again, from death to life through Jesus
Soul Mate and Spiritual Mate T
Life: Jesus came to bring life. Everything He touched came alive. He specializes in resurrection, not prevention. He brings freedom from the law of sin and death.
UNDERSTANDING SOME KEY WORDS AND DEFINITIONS FROM LIFE MODEL WORKS:
Our brains take in new information or a word or term and mull it around and then catalog the information and store it. Our brain automatically goes back to the stored definition when that word or term or thought is brought up again. In order to get our brains to look at that definition again in a new way, something new must be introduced for our brains to ponder. Therefore, new terms are used in Life Model in order for our brains to be able to update and add the new information. Our brains are like computers that need to be updated in order to continually grow and enter into the new truths being discovered. The prefrontal cortex part of our brain continues to grow and update all of our life.
Our brain is divided into 2 halves. The left side requires verbal and visual information in order to process input and operates at a slower rate than the right half of our brain. This left half is where we speak, analyze, balance our checkbook and do most of our daily work. The right half of our brain takes in nonverbal information and processes it at a faster rate and decides immediately if the situation we have encountered is where we belong, and if it is good, bad, or scary. This right side of the brain is what Life Model Works primarily deals with. The right side of the brain is where love, belonging, and the core of who we are is housed.
Malfunctioning … Not performing and operating as we were designed and created to perform. The common word is “sin,” generally thought of in our brains as evil or bad.
Salvation … Restoring or salvaging all of our broken, damaged, and scattered parts and pieces and bringing them back together into a beautiful mosaic and a place of functioning as we were originally created to function. Salvation is an ongoing process and has many facets. The common way of thinking of salvation is a once and done saving a person from hell and forgiving their bad so that they can get into heaven.
Joy … Glad to be with you! We are created as relational beings. Our nervous system runs on the fuel of joy which delights in fully mature healthy relations. “The joy of the Lord is my strength” means that the Lord wants to be with me and that joy gives me strength in all I do! “Fullness of Joy” is delighted and thrilled to always be with you! The common thinking of joy is “I received something that made me glad or happy.”
Beeps … Substitutes for the lack of intensity and the mature joy that we were designed to run on. These substitutes do not satisfy and will usually turn into addictions. Behaviors … Experiences … Events … People… Substances …
Immanuel … God with us. Interacting with Immanuel. I speak with Him and He speaks with me. The Immanuel lifestyle focuses on our interactive relationship with God and others. Thinking with God and being with God. Interactive gratitude is involved in this relationship. A period of quieting is useful before engaging with God. The common way of thinking about this is that Jesus was born in a manger and I can connect with Him in prayer where I generally do most all of the talking.
Fear … Unhealthy fear is the opposite of love. This fear is the primary emotional fuel that the world runs on. Anxiety, enemies without and within, depression, control, acceptance, performance, etc. all run on this unhealthy fear.
Anxiety … A form of fear. Not knowing what to do or where to turn; Perhaps due to a lack of relational maturity or due to traumas. Not being able to quiet or rest.
The Big Six Emotions: Sadness …. Anger …. Fear …. Shame …. Disgust …. Hopeless Despair
Quieting … Quieting is an essential part of our rhythms of life. Quieting builds trust. In my family relations being given time to quiet allows my mind and body to rest. I can trust the person who recognizes my overwhelm and allows me to quiet. God built this into our nature and called for it as Sabbath rest. “The Lord’s our Rock, in Him we hide; a shelter in the time of storm. Secure whatever ill be tide … Jesus is a Rock in a weary land.” “Come unto Me all who are tired and weary and I will give you (space) rest.” In quieting we are renewed. There are techniques to help us quiet.
Quieting Techniques … These help our mind and body calm and quiet. Breathing is often used such as “take a deep breath or two and slowly count to 10” or “breathe slowly and deeply from your belly”. Techniques used in life model are: 1. Yawning variations followed by repeating the scripture; “Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You O Lord.” This is repeated 5 or 6 times. You can substitute whatever emotion you may be having in the place of afraid; Such as sad or anxious.. 2. Tapping with both hands at the rate of your heartbeat on the Vega nerve which is next to your collar bone. Then accelerate the tapping rate as being startled and then gently rub the place you have been tapping while repeating the scripture “Whenever I am anxious I will trust in You O Lord”. Repeat 5 or 6 times. 3. The Moro or startle reflex babies have when they throw their arms up and their head back while taking a quick breath. Then slowly lower your arms and slowly let out your breath and repeat the scripture you are using. Repeat 5 or 6 times.
Traumas … Bad memories that have been stored with no resolution. There are two types: Type A traumas (things that were Absent in my life like poverty, or no father in the home.) Type B traumas (Bad things that happened to me like war, a serious accident, or abuse.) For children under 4 years of age, the effects are often evident even though the memories are not available for recall. View relational maturity as increasing irregular rings of growth. Traumas will cause irregularities in the growth by disrupting what should normally occur in a healthy, maturing, relationship.
Fool (a noun) … Taking what I have been endowed with and the resources I have received and using them for destructive and harmful purposes both to myself and to others. Having no concern for the well-being of others. Delights in destruction. Think they are living the good life but bring about death. A fool has damaged trust. “The world (or whatever) is crashing and no one can be trusted, including God, and I might as well help it crash.” This does not mean that the “fool” has no worth or is of no value to God. Saying “you are worthless” is the actual sin referred to in scripture. (Not to be confused with foolishness or silliness which are verbs and which we are all prone to be at times.)
Identity … True Identity is who God created me to be. This includes my giftings, anointing, talents, personality and my relational maturity being fully developed. My true identity will play out no matter what type of work I do. Diagnosis primarily focuses on what is wrong or malfunctioning with a person. Once I adopt the label from the diagnosis I can falsely assume that that is my identity (I am a skitso..). True identity focuses on God-sight, how He sees me, and how He created me to be, a fully mature relational human being. He didn’t create skitsos, or people to be stalled in an infant or child mode of relational maturity. He wants us to grow up into all things being fully alive!
God–sight … What God sees and how He sees me or situations or others. What does God see in the situations? How does He see this playing out? What are His purposes? God-sight means that I am able to see things at least somewhat in the way God sees them. I am able to see people the way God sees them. This is a part of the Immanuel Lifestyle.
Mind–sight … One of the first things our brain wants to do in a relationship or encounter with another person is to find out “what in the world are you thinking?” “What is going on in your mind?” When we greet someone and we want to continue the conversation, we will say something like “Hi, how are you doing?” Then we wait for a response. Before we respond we want to know what the other person is thinking. This gives us understanding or an idea as to how we should respond or carry on the conversation. Mind-sight is being able to see and attune to what you are thinking. If we assume, we most generally are totally wrong.
Relational Maturity … This is NOT the same as physical maturity. I can be a 40 year old physically mature person and be a child in my relational maturity and ability to connect with those around me. Just because I am functioning doesn’t mean I am relationally mature in all areas. Problems in relationships such as ongoing arguments, distance, boxes we can’t talk about, abuse, control, withdrawal, divorce, are all signs that we are not mature relationally. There are 5 stages of relational maturity as defined by Life Model: Infant maturity ages 1-4, Child maturity 4-12, Adult maturity 12-17, Parent maturity when the first child is born, Elder maturity when the youngest child is an adult. If a person were to mature relationally at the same pace as physical maturity was happening we would learn the skills needed for good relations during the ages shown. Since relational maturity is caught and not taught, the majority of humanity is not relationally mature. In America the average (75%) physically adult male is primarily an infant relationally. The average (75%) physically adult female is primarily a child relationally. This is primarily due to no homes, broken homes, and a lack of community where all the maturity levels are on display. These necessary maturity skills are caught from those more mature than us. This is a huge, critical topic that is a must in order to be able to understand who we are and who we are dealing with. The good news is that we can mature relationally as we learn the relational skills we were not taught as we grew up at home. Our parents weren’t relationally mature so they weren’t able to pass the skills on to us. It isn’t their fault nor ours that we don’t have the skills we need in order to have great mature relationships. However, we can learn these skills now! There are 20 relational skills that are taught through Thrive.
Intensity … An essential ingredient in life associated with endorphins that give us exhilaration and a feeling of excitement.
Overwhelm … Intensity that is beyond our capacity to carry. An overload.
Attunement or Attuning … Entering into what you are thinking and feeling so that I feel it too. Mind sight.
RCs or Relational Circuits … (see RCs Relational Circuits)
Enemy Mode … The feeling that you are not with me. You are against me. You are dangerous to me. Brought on by fear.
The following are additional term used by Thrive Today
Acting Like Myself – A term used to describe what we will do during distress and in life
when we stay relational, avoid sin and stay synchronized with God
Desire Driven Motivations – The activity and behavior we utilize when we operate from
the front of our brain. This means during distress we remember who we are and what it
is like us to do. We continue to use our personal preference and live from our identity.
Fear Driven Motivations – The activity and behavior we utilize when we function from
the back of our brain, the areas concerned only with results and problem solving. We no longer remember who we are and what we like to do. We are concerned with solving
problems alone.
Good Works – Good works result when we act like ourselves. This is the outcome of
salvation, not a means to an end itself.
Sin – Any behavior which produces death as defined in the Bible. We know this as
“missing the mark” and not hitting our desired goal. Though humans inherently sin we
avoid this deadly behavior when we stay connected and synchronized to God, our Source
of Life. This means we perform the good works as defined by Paul speaking to the church in Ephesians 2:10
OUR RELATIONAL CIRCUITS OR RCs
The First Relational Circuit is: We have a relationship. Take Notice. You are not a thing, you are not something to be used nor abused, nor an enemy.
The Second Relational Circuit is: Quieting and Appreciation … The stopping of my mind and body in its continual problem solving quest. Being able to appreciate the simplest things around me.
The Third Relational Circuit is: Listening to the other person to get some “mind sight” into what they are thinking and feeling. This is attuning.
The Fourth Relational Circuit is: Connecting with Immanuel (God with us) and see what God sees in our situation and relationship. (God-sight)
Notice … There isn’t a talking circuit.
Maturity and Relational Circuits
How hard is it to be relational? Well, several factors are involved. We are all relational in some form. That is how we were born. Without our relationship with our mother, we die. We are made to have relationship with our Creator and with each other, especially our family.
In Relational Maturity there are limits at each maturity level. You may be 40 years old but a relational infant or child. Most Americans fall into this category for many reasons, primarily due to family units or non-existing family units that are at this level. The vast majority of men are at an infant-child level and most women are at a child-adult level. Relational Maturity is primarily caught and not taught. If we don’t continue to mature we will stay at these levels and life will be difficult. Let’s think about being in each one of these levels in our physical family and see what it looks like and what the limits are for each level. “Limits” mean that the individual is not capable of processing above this level. To “mature” means learning new skills that are most generally “caught and not taught”.
Some Simple Tests to check my relational maturity level: Infant – I don’t care and am not interested. Child – This is stupid, I’m not going to do it. Adult – Maybe this is something that will help you and maybe me. Parent – Wow, there are things here that seem to explain a lot of what is missing in our family. Elder — This is just what we need for our family and our community.
Infant: As an infant, I want what I want when I want it or need it. My way of expression is to yell or cry until someone pays attention to me for better or worse and I get what I want. I control others by this yelling. I have no capacity to take care of myself. In relationship, you are the problem if I am not being taken care of or listened to as I want. I can be yelling one minute and nice the next.
Child: As a child, Life is about me and what I want to do and eat and where I want to go. I want it when I want it. I can do things myself and keep care of myself. I don’t want your help. Just give me the resources. I save or spend for me. I am continually trying to figure out how to get others to listen to me and provide what I need. My way of expression is talking a lot about everything and getting my way because I have it all figured out. I know the rules. If you don’t get it, I just need to keep saying it again and louder. Narcissism begins at this stage of maturity and if I don’t keep maturing, it will most likely remain. I don’t want or need to learn anything you may have for me. But, I will tell you what you need to do. If things get too heavy for me, I avoid them. I may run away. You are the cause of my problems. A child is a big source of overwhelm. They often use overwhelm to get their way.
Adult: As a relational Adult, I can take care of myself and you. I don’t insist on my way and I value your opinion. I have learned to listen and to attune to what you are feeling. I listen way more than I talk. I am not trying to correct you but I get “mind-sight” and attune to what is going on inside of you and what you are feeling so that I can validate your feelings. “Wow, I can see that you are totally feeling overwhelmed and that you are feeling terrible and alone in this.” I don’t give advice unless it is asked for. We communicate by asking questions like, “How is that working out for you? Or by observing, “That seems to be really frustrating for you.” I have a scale where I make sure “give and take” are even. If I put out and give this much to our relationship, then you need to be doing the same on your end. I can get quite upset and harbor resentment if I am doing more than my share and you are being a slacker. If I am an adult and you are a relational infant or child, then I will be upset with you most of the time because you are not carrying your weight and being fair about our relationship. You just don’t get it. To avoid such problems, we set up prenuptials and have separate bank accounts. That legally helps keep it fair because we are not mature enough to do it on our own. Keeping our relationship in balance is hard enough and the thought of adding family to it is often just too much, especially if one of us a child and I would be left with most of the work in raising a family.
Parent: As a parent, I can keep care of me, you, and our family. It’s ok if everything isn’t even and fair. The needs are all different in our family and I see those needs and value each stage of development in the relational maturity process.
How my Brain Works; A simple description of how our brains process is as follows. Our brain has two halves that receive information from the world around us and process it. This information enters the right side of the brain first which processes it at the speed of emotions (we often call this “impulse”). We say things like “I really didn’t think about it, I just reacted.” This process is so fast that we react without thinking about it (like smiling back at someone.) This information then crosses to the left side of the brain where we “think” about it and make decisions. This side of the brain operates at the speed of words. The right side of our brain likes to operate in what brings us joy. This is where we have relationships and integrate life. We connect to our bodies, our loved ones, our surroundings, our identity, our emotions, and the community around us. The satisfaction of JOY is the fuel that feeds the right half of our brain. If joy is not present, these connections are disrupted or difficult. An infant only operates in joy or we hear about it. This side is where I pick up on “who is happy to see me? Am I understood? Can I act like myself right now? Can I imitate those I feel good with?” This is where character is subconsciously formed. This is where and how we connect with Jesus. Jesus attunes to us and feels what we feel and offers us Love, rest, forgiveness, no condemnation, no judgment, security,, He then says, “come follow Me and I will lead you into all Truth. For, I Am the Way the Truth and the life!” This is great JOY !! Of course He is totally mature and a relational Parent and Elder! He is leading us into relational maturity. T It is not through rules that we connect. After we are connected, some good left brain principles will help us stay connected. Religion does not connect because it is left brain law. This is primarily what we hear in a lot of churches.The left side of the brain then “thinks” about what came from the right side. This side of the brain is where we think logically, make strategies, plan, defend truth, form arguments, tell stories… This is what we generally think of as the “mind”. So, the two halves of the brain operate together. If the right side of the brain sends the correct information to the left side, good results will follow. However, this is generally NOT the case. Because first off, the right side quickly processes all information through its filters of maturity, traumas, danger, friend or foe, … This will then often leave the left brain logic totally shut off, or bad planning will come from inaccurate information and we come up with false realities. And, we are in trouble on the wrong path. … *Resources: Life Model