I just don’t have the capacity; I am barely able to function and survive the day. I need a break, I am frazzled and fried. It is really hard to just make it through each day …. I don’t need another list of things to do. I can barely tolerate spending time with you …. And, you want me to what? ….. My RCs are off. ……
I begin to fear that I will never make it. This overwhelm often leads to hopeless despair. Hopeless despair is when I see no way out of my current situation and I feel that I just don’t have the endurance and ability to make it through. I lose hope and I lose my motivation to even try. I just want to hide, draw back from life and sleep. Those in prison can easily sleep most all of their “waking hours”. Depression has set in and is draggin life right out of me. My mind may continue to go back to traumas and times and situations that I do not want to relive ….. But, it seems that I am reliving them daily …. And, I don’t want to continue on that path ….
If I had grown up with relationally mature parents, I most likely would not be in this state of hopelessness. I would have watched my parents and the way they handled these situations while staying relational. They actually had more capacity to handle the emotion and were stronger in their relationships because of going through the situations. I would also know how to do what they did and how to act like my parents and return from this hopeless despair while staying relational.
However, if my parents were actually children relationally my father would most likely get angry or silent, and my mother would most likely be sad and in despair herself. So I now attempt to avoid the despair by avoiding the relationship altogether. OR finding a better relationship …. OR I attempt to substitute things or BEEPS to try and survive another day or two. How depressing ….. It’s hopeless and I feel useless ….. My children have not had a relationally mature parent to follow and they suffer because of it. I am now talking about my personal situation. After 60some years of this, have I found a solution???
YES!! I personally needed and need to Grow Up... I needed and need to mature relationally so that I know how, I am capable, and I have the capacity to deal with these emotions and situations. It all becomes normal for me to combat the big 6 emotional giants* and slay the dragons and handle the snakes in my life… I no longer have to be fearful and sink into hopeless despair, because I am able to slay the dragon and take out these giants in my life. I have done it before and I can do it again and again.
I am not alone in this because my brother, Jesus is with me and empowers me. I have brothers and sisters who are relationally mature parents and show me how they walk through the valleys of the shadow, and they cheer me on! Behind me, my children are watching and following.
*The big 6 emotional giants; Fear, Sadness, Anger, Shame, Disgust, and the biggest Hopeless Despair.